They say transformation is beautiful.
And yes, that’s true. But what they forget to mention—what no one wants to talk about—is that it’s also hell.
I don’t say that lightly.
This journey of becoming, of aligning, of stepping into your true self... it will burn away everything that isn’t real. And that? That is no spa retreat.
People often see the after.
They see the light in your eyes, the grounded way you walk into a room, the clarity in your voice, the energy that feels like it’s finally flowing. And they think, “Wow, she’s doing great. She’s found her path.”
And yes, I have. But not without falling apart a dozen times along the way.
Exactly one year ago, I hit my deepest low.
I mean, my energy body wasn’t even anchored into my physical body anymore.
And I don’t mean that in some abstract, woo-woo kind of way. I mean it literally. I was completely ungrounded—my soul somewhere adrift, and my body frozen in fear. The anxiety was so sky-high, it felt like there was no air left for me to breathe.
Even my Shiatsu therapist—who’s seen me through a lot—was shocked. During our session, she had to stop three times because I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t just emotional. I was lost. I was terrified. I was unraveling in every way a person can.
That was my rock bottom.
That was my hell.
And I never, never want to go back there again.
What people don’t see is that part.
The grief that hits like a freight train when you realize your old self doesn’t fit anymore.
The spiritual fatigue. The insomnia. The days where you’re too sensitive for light, for sound, for life.
The body that aches from carrying things you didn’t even know were there.
It’s not just a journey. It’s a dismantling.
It’s letting go of stories, identities, jobs, relationships—even the safe little lies you’ve told yourself just to keep surviving.
And when you emerge from that fire, people clap.
But they forget what it took to rebuild from ash.
They forget because you’re radiant now. Because you’re aligned. Because you glow differently.
But I haven’t forgotten.
This is my truth:
Transformation is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced—and it was also hell.
And I wouldn’t trade a second of it.
Because on the other side of that storm is something sacred:
Me.
The real me.
So if you’re somewhere in the messy middle, hear this:
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re just becoming.
And that kind of beauty is forged in fire.
Discover more from Tanimara Layla
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.